Standing here inside of me, I feel
I feel everything
I feel nothing
I feel them both at once
I watch people
There's a thing inside people
Inside most people
A flame that says, I am!
That says, I must be!
I don't have that
I should care
I think I should care
No, I should care that I'm alive
I do, I do care
As in I would rather be not
How absurd
Today I want to die
Today it’s bad
But there's a report that’s due
I ask for the day off
But the report? He say
I work anyway, as I do
I want to die today
It will be the same tomorrow
People call me a strong person
I don't understand
A strong person?
A strong person would want to live
But I never have
How absurd
I'm at a party
I don't want to want to die today
I do it anyway
I smile and talk of pretty things
That have never really mattered
I want to scream
How do they not want to scream
I've been through things
Painful things, traumatic things
But nothing harder
Than pretending
That the life I've live so far
Feels worth the pain living
How absurd
They don't understand
Of course they don't
I pretend for them
To keep them at ease
So they will stay
It’s just another day for me
Just like any other
I want to die today
It will be the same tomorrow
I can't explain
I can not tell you why I want to die
And yet, I do
As I do, as I always have
It will be the same tomorrow
And still the people will smile
And laugh
Content
To talk of all the pretty things
That will never really matter
Hel Erling
11/14/22
